The reactions have been classic; so few people really have good poker faces, tact, a lack of presumption.  Funny how often people place their experiences  or assumptions on your experience…and proceed to matter-of-factly  tell you all about it.  Sometimes it’s just blatant uncensored honestly, verbal dribbling, or (my favorite) ‘help’.  I know, my sarcasm isn’t veiled….it’s just been such a REVEALING experience sharing our 4th pregnancy with folks near and far.  Some applaud and cheer for joy, but most have conveyed a sense of alarm (complete with shudder and relief that it’s not them.)

I have to laugh at it all, because really, who cares?  Who cares what any person thinks; between my God, husband and me, that’s about the only opinions I’m really giving weight to at this point.  Size of family is an deeply personal choice, fraught with controversy, emotion, and plenty of spiritual intensity.  I can’t tell you what’s right; but I can tell you what’s led us to this point….and you might not like it.  You might think I’m judging you (or others).  You might love it.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is at the end of the day, at the end of your life, did you TRUST God…and I mean TRRRUUUUSSSTTT.  Not at an arms length, not as a intellectual conception of your own or anothers design, not as afterdeath-insurance or Santa Claus in the Sky…but as a “all I have is You”.  Nothing I did, said, thought, gave made me worthy of even looking You in the face…let alone being adopted as your own kid…it was what YOU did.  Jesus, the Instigator, the Pursuer, the Lover of my soul, the Keeper of my All.  I trust you…so much so that I, in full agreement with my husband, chose to let you be the Designer of this family.

Meaning — we gave Him the wheel.  Reproductive Final Decisions.  We won’t stand in the way.  What does it mean for us?  Well, I, as fertile woman could be bearing children successively well into my fourties.  Yeah.  I know.  Intense eh?  Not the life most people dream up for themselves.  Believe me, we’ve heard a fair share of the varied points why NOT to do this…and I’ve had to painfully forgive some folks for the barbed statements that have dropped out of their mouths.  Good intentions or not…please people THINK FIRST, TALK NEXT.  Good advice for me too:)

It means trust, surrender, humility, grace….a life not my own.  Giving up my ‘rights’ to body, time, uninterrupted sleep, traditional double income, quiet, space.  But what many of you don’t know, refuse to allow yourselves to know, is the joy, the deep DEEP satisfaction that comes with TRUST.  The shivering intimacy of God’s Presence as we go places others don’t always willingly go.  When you CHOOSE to go this road, there is a grace for it that cannot be explained.

It’s messy, unglamorous, and yes, sometimes I cry.  But not out of pity.  So please, keep your pity, I have no need of it.  Jesus didn’t need Peters’, I don’t need yours.  The Cross made no sense at the time…it’s only looking back we can begin to fathom the mystery of the Incarnation, the life WILLINGLY GIVEN, and the Resurrection.  Scorn if you will, but I have laid my life on the historical reality of it all.  Dismiss if you like, all I know is I am a changed woman, and growing in a grace that can’t be manufactured.  How else could I choose this road?  How else could I willingly choose to put all the inherent talent, skills, abilities into CHILDREARING, cooking, and managing a household.  I could be in management anywhere, doing big important things getting an income and stuff like that.  There’s no corporate ladder for me to climb here!  I don’t get overtime, Christmas bonuses or paid vacation.

One thing I do know, is that if I can be trusted with this….then later (perhaps much later, meaning on the other side of eternity!) I may be trustworthy with ‘more’.  Rocks peoples boats choosing to place such high value on PEOPLE..especially little ones who seem to just take.  Thank you God for daily giving me eyes to see and ears to hear so I can walk this road with my head held high knowing I LACK NOTHING.

Time will tell friends.  Do you trust Him…REALLY trust Him?  I pray you do…whatever that looks like for you…I pray you do.

Should I apologize or just smile and assume you understand?  It’s not that I couldn’t write these past few months (ummm, more like 8 months if I count it), it’s that I didn’t.

Sigh…the sad truth is that I was nursing my grief.  Avoiding so many letters, calls and emails..yes, even Facebook.  It still tears me up to not be where I’d like to be; for it to be so hard to stay, so hard to go, and not to know ‘for sure’ which one to pursue.  Some days I feel like I know that I know “this” (Ottawa and all that it entails) is exactly right where we should be…other days I grit my teeth and note to myself that I could be doing “this” anywhere in the world and I’d rather be back in Minneapolis (and all that that entails).

I am comforted by something Madeleine L’Engle said once about doubt; that our faith isn’t faith unless there is a measure of doubt that comes to shake it to the core; to test it’s foundation to see if it was built on shifting sand or set deep in the bedrock.  So doubt isn’t my enemy after all…just a friendly test to keep me real.

Everyone wants to know: “What’s next?”  I’d like to know too.  Do you?  I mean honestly, do you know “what’s next” in your life?  All you know is today.  Make your plans, sure.  Be responsible and enjoy your loved ones and the luxuries you choose to afford, but know that all you have is today.

So for today, I will busy myself with the humble hidden ministry of caring for my small children, delighting myself in God who loves me just as I am and is pleased with my simple yet profound service unto Him and this dear family He’s entrusted me with.  I hold the desires of my heart close to His and once again choose to trust His timing and His Love.

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

The boys are crawling, sitting, cutting teeth and well into solids now. Blows my mind how fast they develop in this first year.

Eden is wonderful; her articulation and thought processes amaze me. She will dress as a princess this year for a little jaunt around the block on Wednesday; I will escort her as a queen:) Red dress, jeweled crown and all! It’s a sweet time of life; and soon we will have a nest of our own, which I will truly, truly appreciate. When you’ve gone without you appreciate it when you have it again. Like health returning after a bout of illness, or a friendship re-kindled. I am learning lessons that I suppose, in God’s infinite wisdom and grace, I would only truly learn in a time of want. Humility and trust grow in the soil of faith; where I can only see with eyes of faith that which cannot be seen. A tenacity is being strengthened in me in the midst of adverse winds; and though I don’t like the discomfort of my present situation, I adore and trust the One who is letting me mature in love and grace and truth in the midst of it.

And it’ll make SUCH a great story when it comes full circle!!!

How did Peter feel when the waves were surging beneath him, water filling his mouth, the boat rocking nauseatingly underneath him promising a grain of possible safety in the security of the familiar?

What what raw nerve, what audacious faith it must’ve taken for him to make the choice to ARISE, to stand in the gale. The moment of hesitation was past, the decision made the moment he stood; Peter was about to do the IMPOSSIBLE. Surely others in the boat screamed at him to “sit down for God’s sake! You’ll get us all killed!” Surely his own doubts assailed him with the lunacy of the decision he was following through on.
He had to know.

I must know.

I must know the One upon who Peter locked eyes with. I must know this Man who beckoned Peter to come. I must know…there are deeper waters of this faith that I am about to walk upon.

Friends, I don’t know exactly what’s next..can anyone? All I know is that my heart is set, my eyes are fixed, I have risen in faith because He’s called me by name to step out of the boat and do something I have never personally witnessed anyone do before.

How can I be sure that this is what He wants us to walk in? What if it’s just a good idea of our own vain imaginations? Or worse? That’s a blog for another day…perhaps I’ll just let this walk of faith unfold step by step and you’ll see for yourself.

But friends, let me forewarn you, if you too should dare to do something so outside the box as we are…the worst of the counter attack isn’t from without…it’s always within. When you settle the issue with Him of Who is Lord, you’ll be unstoppable.

So what are we doing? To be utterly vague, secretive even, let me quote my favorite person ever and simply leave it this:

“Come and see.”

But to be a little more specific…

GAVIN is working hard juggling family, mentoring responsibilities and his maintenance job. Please pray that he will be a channel of God’s love and deep heart work in the men he is mentoring. And of course, for plenty of refreshing sleep!

TARA is in full time mommy mode now. Please pray for health, joy and plenty of milk for the boys and grace with Eden. She’s a little apprehensive about what life will be like in May once all the help runs out, so pray for peace, hope and confidence in God’s all sufficient grace.
EDEN is adjusting to a major life change (not one, but TWO ‘little brudders’). Please pray that her heart and mind will settle down, she will have peace and joy in every day.

JETHRO is doing great. A hearty eater and wonderful sleeper — praise God for his life and the plans laid out for him. Pray he will grow in grace and already be a means of God’s healing power in the lives of all the people we meet.

JUDAH is also doing wonderfully. A laid back little guy; he’s in no particular rush at all. Praise God for his life and growth. Pray that he will get all the nutrition and sleep he needs. Pray also that he will be a means of blessing to all.

THANK YOU for praying for us! We couldn’t do this without you!

Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. (Romans 12.4-5)

Many Mercies - Birth Story.pdf

Today the boys are 6 days old and we are all doing great! Eden is loving the novelty of the baby boys; she confuses their names still, but her heart is overflowing with love and helpfulness. She is learning lots of new words this week: burp rag, bottle, etc. She wants to hold them all the time, but settles for lesser things like fetching a burp rag, depositing diapers in the “Diaper Champ’, or simply sitting close by to observe and comment on the whole wonder of it all. I am healing at an incredible rate (the hospital staff called me the ‘twin c-birth poster child’). Gavin is rising to the moment with grace, patience, and perseverance. The boys are up every 2-3 hours in the night with hearty appetites; but they don’t yet have the energy to totally get what they need from the breast. So our days compose of a regime of nursing, pumping, bottle-feeding, changing little wee diapers, swaddling, cuddling, and finally sleeping! Jethro is a hearty guzzler whereas Judah is more slow but steady. They are definitely fraternal twins, but easily mistaken for identical at first glance. It’s the dark hair. In the wee hours last night Gavin and I were quietly talking as we went about another round of caring for newborns, we realized that we had both given them similar Roman nicknames. Judah without a doubt reminds of us a “Little Ceasar” because of his Ceasar hair style, fair skin and noble quietness. Jethro is our Wild Boy, who Gavin calls “Gladiator” because of his wild thick hair, ruddy skin and strong (almost surly!) personality. Makes me think of Paul ( the refined Roman Jew) and Peter (the burly fisherman.)

These next weeks will be a bit of work around the clock because they need extra TLC at feeding times (thank God there are no digestive problems cropping up as of yet!). But by their 40 week date (April Fools Day) things will change. So for now, it’s one day, one hour at a time. Sleep is precious, our children are wonderful, healthy, and full of life. We are blessed beyond description.

With two nights under our belts I can say “Oh ya, this is what is like to have newborns,” again, and ” I am really grateful for the hospital staff” The boys are eating frequently so it keeps Tara going. Gavin does what he can but a lot of the work has to be done by Tara.

At this point we are looking forward to going home. There has not been many visitors because the woman at the college are all away on their student retreat, but I can’t say that it hasn’t been nice to have the quiet as well. There will be plenty of visit when we get home.

I (gavin) have just felt so blessed this whole time, with Tara’s recovery, the hospital staff, with Eden’s time spent with our neighbours the Hennessey’s. We really feel that things have gone so well for us so far. It is hard not to look at the boys without rejoicing at there creation. We count our blessing daily.

I thank everyone for their prayes and well wishes. We look forward to sharing our joy soon.

The Hills + 2

One way or another, we’ve set a definite date. Thursday March 15th, 7:30 am, these boys will be plucked from the womb! I’ll be well into my 37th week by then, a very reasonable timeframe for twin development. Already at 36 weeks I’m pushing 12 pounds of baby (combined), hitting an amazing 45 cm for my uterine size (a single pregnancy should only be 35-36cm), and reaching foot swelling sizes that impress my dear husband. Because of our previous cesearean and some incisional discomfort I’ve had this past month, we’re not going to take our chances past 37 weeks. Labor could go fine, or it could be a disaster. I’ve prayed long and hard about the choice; because it means there will only be one more ’safe’ pregnancy beyond this one. It’s strange to face the beginning of the end of my childbearing years. My whole life has been speckled by beginnings for so long, that endings are that much more abrupt and almost unwelcome. But I am a grown woman now, and endings are part of life. So I’m growing in grace as I accept the ending, not a sentence of doom, but as another chapter in the story of my life. I am already blessed beyond description, so premature pity seems rude at this point.

Each morning as Eden and I sit for our shared breakfast, we pause to give thanks. She sweetly repeats after me as I prompt her to say, “Thank you God [shank yew God] ….for a new day [new day] .” So today, from the bottom of my heart, I say it too. A new day; maybe not all I hoped for, but blessed nonetheless.

But as I wonder whether Gavin will surprise me with a little something-something  today (he’s not the planning type like I am), I am humbly reminded of something far greater.  That everyday of my life I am already surrounded by gifts…some seen, but most unseen.  Though I love to wake up to surprise gifts just for me (like the jelly bean hunts our parents would put in our rooms on easter) — that in fact, I am daily, hourly, every second, the recipient of gift after gift.  Familiarity breeds contempt, so I forget to recognize and savour them.  And if all the tangible gifts in my life were suddenly gone (our nice warm cozy apartmen and all the things in it), would I be any less blessed?  Maybe less cozy, but no less blessed.  This is because the gifts of greatest import that I bear cannot be seen, touched or taken away.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  ~ Romans 5.8

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!  ~ 1 John 1.3

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

~ Psalm 23

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. ~ Matthew 28.20

I could keep going but I’d just end quoting most of the Bible.  Perhaps I’ll just stop bearing testimony here and instead go savour what I already have.  Yes, I have good things all around me, of which the most prized and valuable are the people in my life (my husband, daughter and our soon to be born twin sons!)…but transcending all these wonderful gifts, is the gift of Love that God has LAVISHED on me…when I didn’t deserve it (who does?), when I can’t give anything back that even compares (who does?!) and when it was the last thing I thought I needed.  Today is a new day and I will choose to enjoy that which cannot be bought or stolen…

Thank you for the Cross, Daddy.  — You make all things new.

Enjoy!

Love,
The Hills