The Hills Roll On

Though I haven’t completely read Gary Chapman’s bestseller “The Five Love Languages”, I have done a few tests and self scrutiny to finally admit that of the five, my top love language (the one through which I express and receive most strongly a sense of tangible love in every relational context), is the one I always thought the most vain; gifts.  The other four seem so much more honorable and sweet: words of affirmation, time, touch and acts of service.  But try as I may, though all four communicate love to me on some level, none speaks as strongly as gifts.  It wasn’t until these past two years that I finally started to see the pattern in my life — the attention to detail in gift giving, the importance of wrapping and decorating, the cards, the year-round collection of gifts and cards for people I care for.  The final clincher came when I finally saw that my mom has been a key influence in this ‘love language’, for surely it is one of her primary love languages.  When you get a gift from my mom, it’s not that it’ll be terribly expensive, but the love that is communicated through it is undeniable (the wrapping, the hearts, the homemade card with stamps and stickers, the xo’s, and so much that is beyond words).  It’s so much more than a gift — it’s the wordless measure behind it.  That someone was thinking so fondly of you well before the tangible expression came in a gift form.  That they took the time, the care, the thought, the effort to put together a little something just for you.  The whole beauty and joy of receiving, opening, enjoying, and savouring.  It’s so much more than a material object.  There’s something there that transcends ‘things’ — especially when the gift was unexpected and undeserved.
This morning is Valentines Day; I’m up ridiculously early cuz I went to bed way too early.  But early is nice when you are well rested and can enjoy the quiet (oh, I do!).  The gifts I’ve been collecting for weeks are all decorated with cards and candy and waiting on the kitchen table for my loved ones to discover later this morning.  I love the whole process - especially the culmination!  I would be lying if I said I hadn’t wondered ‘what Gavin is giving me’:)  It’s Valentines Day!  C’mon!  And though I know that gifts is NOT my dear husbands primary love language (he’s still deciding what is), I know he knows it’s mine.  But knowing and doing are two different things.  It doesn’t take much to bless this heart of mine, but it does take something (as opposed to nothing!).

But as I wonder whether Gavin will surprise me with a little something-something  today (he’s not the planning type like I am), I am humbly reminded of something far greater.  That everyday of my life I am already surrounded by gifts…some seen, but most unseen.  Though I love to wake up to surprise gifts just for me (like the jelly bean hunts our parents would put in our rooms on easter) — that in fact, I am daily, hourly, every second, the recipient of gift after gift.  Familiarity breeds contempt, so I forget to recognize and savour them.  And if all the tangible gifts in my life were suddenly gone (our nice warm cozy apartmen and all the things in it), would I be any less blessed?  Maybe less cozy, but no less blessed.  This is because the gifts of greatest import that I bear cannot be seen, touched or taken away.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  ~ Romans 5.8

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!  ~ 1 John 1.3

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

~ Psalm 23

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. ~ Matthew 28.20

I could keep going but I’d just end quoting most of the Bible.  Perhaps I’ll just stop bearing testimony here and instead go savour what I already have.  Yes, I have good things all around me, of which the most prized and valuable are the people in my life (my husband, daughter and our soon to be born twin sons!)…but transcending all these wonderful gifts, is the gift of Love that God has LAVISHED on me…when I didn’t deserve it (who does?), when I can’t give anything back that even compares (who does?!) and when it was the last thing I thought I needed.  Today is a new day and I will choose to enjoy that which cannot be bought or stolen…

Thank you for the Cross, Daddy.  — You make all things new.

What a change from a year ago.  You make your plans, you think you have a good idea of what’s coming in the near future, but so very much in this life is completely beyond our control.

People ask us the inevitable questions about our near future.  I hesitate now to give a hasty answer; because honestly, we don’t know.  We’ve got ideas, we’ve got dreams, but “solid plans” are a luxury we haven’t laid hold of just yet.  Our visas expire August 31, 2007.  It’s now 2007, so that gives some impetus to our need to plan.  But we know there are a few steps to take first; like letting these boys be born.  Walking through those first 3 months of intense selfless nurture.  Coming through to the other side of that (sometime early summer) will be a landmark, one I look forward to!  Sleep will stretch longer, head control will be gained, smiles will emerge from our two wonderful sons.  We will know then better than we know now, what that next step will be.

I can do this now.  I couldn’t do it nearly as fearlessly 5 years ago.  It’s amazing what five years of walking by faith (not by sight!) can do to a heart that is willing to do into the deeper regions of God’s heart.  Ask me where I am, I don’t know.  There is no map for this terrain…but I have something for the journey that you can’t buy with silver or gold: peace.  Peace that surpasses understanding.  Peace that guards my mind and heart from tidal waves of fear.  I can walk in the fog of unknowing assuredly, one step at a time, because I never walk alone.  The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing.  — mmmm…Psalm 23.  Can’t get enough of the good stuff.

I never knew my life would turn out this way.

Growing up, I wasn’t the kind of girl who daydreamed of a high school sweetheart, planned out her wedding in painful detail, chose her babies names in advance. Nope, I had other priorities and my self at the very centre. So it never ceases to amaze me when I pause periodically to look at my life. Yup, I met my husband in highschool (LAST thing I ever saw coming! He was just supposed to be my OAC art class ‘enjoyable view’. I enjoyed the view then, and now I get to be up close and personal;) We had our grand schemes and plans of how to get rich quick (illicitly of course), how we’d “take care of it” if we got pregnant before we were “ready”, how maybe we’d get married (but who cares anyway, cuz it’s just a stupid peice of paper). Something must’ve changed on a core level, cuz that’s not where we are today. No, far from it. People around us try to write it off as “they just grew up”. You don’t grow up out of addiction. Our self-centered gene didn’t suddenly get overthrown by a rare DNA combo of philantrophy. Something bigger happened, and it rocked us to the core.

I remember the countless nights walking in the AY feild near my parents home. I’d crane my neck to peer into the vastness of space. The stars mocked me somehow; speaking a language I couldn’t understand. The wind caressed my face, but I turned away, heartbroken somehow. Longing for…something…gone unfulfilled yet again. I couldn’t get high enough.

Would it shock some who think they know me so well if they knew where I’d be today had not my world been rocked? Would they dismiss it as exxageration? Are they so sure of themselves that they think, “that sort of thing doesn’t happen to nice people like us?”. It already did. It already did.

Here I am, ten years later, and my life is the last thing I ever thought it would be. I am married, second child on the way, just completed a BA at ‘Bible College’, am living in the USA of all places, and am most certainly not living the American Dream. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t enjoy money…it’s just not the source of my security nor my identity in life. That’s why I can be here right now, literally giving myself over to something greater than me, and doing it with joy. Somedays I wonder if I’m missing out on something, if we could be rolling in mad money right now, Gavin putting the finishing touches on the home he built with his own hands, our greyhounds rolling around on our 100 acres of land. I still have dreams that maybe someday we will have some of those simple things. But even if we don’t I know in my core that I never compromised. I know more than I did 10 years ago, with a certainty that makes some people uncomfortable, that the Lord is My Shepherd; I lack no good thing.