Are you CRAZY??!! You are stopping aren’t you??
4 under 3. Four, count em, FOUR children under 3. T-minus 10 weeks and we will be parents of 4 children under 3. How do you manage that you many wonder? Eden, our eldest is 3, her twin brothers (Jethro and Judah) just turned 1, and baby #4 is coming along mid-July. No one has intuited another boy, it’s been 100% guesses for a girl…Eden is positive and Gavin honestly told me that I am remarkably as cranky this pregnancy as I was with Eden. Oddly, with twin boys I was mellllow.
The reactions have been classic; so few people really have good poker faces, tact, a lack of presumption. Funny how often people place their experiences or assumptions on your experience…and proceed to matter-of-factly tell you all about it. Sometimes it’s just blatant uncensored honestly, verbal dribbling, or (my favorite) ‘help’. I know, my sarcasm isn’t veiled….it’s just been such a REVEALING experience sharing our 4th pregnancy with folks near and far. Some applaud and cheer for joy, but most have conveyed a sense of alarm (complete with shudder and relief that it’s not them.)
I have to laugh at it all, because really, who cares? Who cares what any person thinks; between my God, husband and me, that’s about the only opinions I’m really giving weight to at this point. Size of family is an deeply personal choice, fraught with controversy, emotion, and plenty of spiritual intensity. I can’t tell you what’s right; but I can tell you what’s led us to this point….and you might not like it. You might think I’m judging you (or others). You might love it. It doesn’t matter. What matters is at the end of the day, at the end of your life, did you TRUST God…and I mean TRRRUUUUSSSTTT. Not at an arms length, not as a intellectual conception of your own or anothers design, not as afterdeath-insurance or Santa Claus in the Sky…but as a “all I have is You”. Nothing I did, said, thought, gave made me worthy of even looking You in the face…let alone being adopted as your own kid…it was what YOU did. Jesus, the Instigator, the Pursuer, the Lover of my soul, the Keeper of my All. I trust you…so much so that I, in full agreement with my husband, chose to let you be the Designer of this family.
Meaning — we gave Him the wheel. Reproductive Final Decisions. We won’t stand in the way. What does it mean for us? Well, I, as fertile woman could be bearing children successively well into my fourties. Yeah. I know. Intense eh? Not the life most people dream up for themselves. Believe me, we’ve heard a fair share of the varied points why NOT to do this…and I’ve had to painfully forgive some folks for the barbed statements that have dropped out of their mouths. Good intentions or not…please people THINK FIRST, TALK NEXT. Good advice for me too:)
It means trust, surrender, humility, grace….a life not my own. Giving up my ‘rights’ to body, time, uninterrupted sleep, traditional double income, quiet, space. But what many of you don’t know, refuse to allow yourselves to know, is the joy, the deep DEEP satisfaction that comes with TRUST. The shivering intimacy of God’s Presence as we go places others don’t always willingly go. When you CHOOSE to go this road, there is a grace for it that cannot be explained.
It’s messy, unglamorous, and yes, sometimes I cry. But not out of pity. So please, keep your pity, I have no need of it. Jesus didn’t need Peters’, I don’t need yours. The Cross made no sense at the time…it’s only looking back we can begin to fathom the mystery of the Incarnation, the life WILLINGLY GIVEN, and the Resurrection. Scorn if you will, but I have laid my life on the historical reality of it all. Dismiss if you like, all I know is I am a changed woman, and growing in a grace that can’t be manufactured. How else could I choose this road? How else could I willingly choose to put all the inherent talent, skills, abilities into CHILDREARING, cooking, and managing a household. I could be in management anywhere, doing big important things getting an income and stuff like that. There’s no corporate ladder for me to climb here! I don’t get overtime, Christmas bonuses or paid vacation.
One thing I do know, is that if I can be trusted with this….then later (perhaps much later, meaning on the other side of eternity!) I may be trustworthy with ‘more’. Rocks peoples boats choosing to place such high value on PEOPLE..especially little ones who seem to just take. Thank you God for daily giving me eyes to see and ears to hear so I can walk this road with my head held high knowing I LACK NOTHING.
Time will tell friends. Do you trust Him…REALLY trust Him? I pray you do…whatever that looks like for you…I pray you do.
April 27th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Hey guys, I really enjoyed your website tonight. We spent part of the evening looking at pictures and saying, “Remember when”. I read your update and I agree with what you said. I understand your feelings and we will be praying for you and your future. We understand as well, the hurt that people can inflict without actually meaning to. Please remember that nothing happens by happenstance and God has you in the middle of His plan. There is no accident as to the place in life that God has you. Please keep seaking His face and know that there is a team of people behind your family praying for you and supporting you. Thank you for all that you did for us and our family at Bethany, it will never be forgotten. We are excited for you and Gavin as you venture into the blessed world of family and marriage. For the people that are trying to discourage you about having children please keep in mind that the words of God tell us that the family is blessed who has a quiver full. We are happy for you and we will hear a good report when that little (girl) is brought into this world. Talk later Ross
April 27th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Hey guys, I really enjoyed your website tonight. We spent part of the evening looking at pictures and saying, “Remember when”. I read your update and I agree with what you said. I understand your feelings and we will be praying for you and your future. We understand as well, the hurt that people can inflict without actually meaning to. Please remember that nothing happens by happenstance and God has you in the middle of His plan. There is no accident as to the place in life that God has you. Please keep seaking His face and know that there is a team of people behind your family praying for you and supporting you. Thank you for all that you did for us and our family at Bethany, it will never be forgotten. We are excited for you and Gavin as you venture into the blessed world of family and marriage. For the people that are trying to discourage you about having children please keep in mind that the words of God tell us that the family is blessed who has a quiver full. We are happy for you and we will hear a good report when that little (girl) is brought into this world. We are blessed to watch your family grow and thrive, and we look forward being in contact with you. Thanks again, and God Bless. Ross J.
April 27th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Hey you guys I first off want too congradulate you on your new bundle of joy that will be added to your family. I want to tell you Tara the God chose the right family for His plans. You are so patient and caring to your kids. I learned alot from you at Bethany. I had two kids and at times they drove me nuts but you had new twins and a two year old. You and Gavin did so well, and you will continue to do well with your new child. Don’t let hard headed people get you down. You can tell them to shove it or just ignore them all together( you know me:)If it is family telling you these things. Just keep on trucking because years down the road and your children are allitle older and out of trouble they will all be say “wow how did you do it”. Then you can say “by the grace of God thats how”. Keep it up Mr. & Mrs. Hill your faith and your testimony will be the rock that you get to stand on. Keep it up! By the way those kids of yours are cuter and cuter every time I see pictures of them. Give them all kisses from us. We miss you guys. Another great thing you can tell people is that “your sex life is great” Hey maybe you will even be able to give marriage counseling. Blessings Amanda p.s you can keep up with our family by going to our blog spot account at http://rossandmandy.blogspot.com
April 27th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
you might have got like five comments the same, your web site didn’t like us:) Look at the last comments. It improved each time! Later Amanda
April 28th, 2008 at 9:12 am
Tara, above all, I love your honesty in this post - may we not be ashamed of our God! Not ashamed to run towards His calling and boldly tell people along the way of His amazing grace in our lives!
Over the past 6 months, I continue to “chew” on the fact that I am weak - trying to stop mustering up my own strength, but simple let the Lord’s strength flow through me. I’m realizing it’s not even so much about Him making ME strong, yet helping me to step aside with my own will so it will be HIS strength that is able to accomplish all that I need to.
Miss you, and thanks for writing - it is always a blessing to me!
Beka
April 28th, 2008 at 9:29 am
yo go girl! congrats!!
April 28th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Congratulations! Somehow I missed entirely that you were expecting again! How fun! Well, I can imagine that you would get some wild reactions from people, but you’ve had such nice easy pregnancies are “baby-loving” people, so I can’t say that I’m all that surprised. I bet your boys are huge! I miss having you guys around. Come visit with that new baby this fall! Blessings on you all.
April 29th, 2008 at 3:45 am
Darling one - children are a gift! Wild, messy, crazy gifts from a loving Father with a great big sense of humor!! Mine were monkeys and rascals and still are. But they are also the jewels around my neck, the one thing I will never, ever regret - each of my sons. People kept asking me when I was going to quit - I was to old to keep havin’ babies. Even when my last one was stillborn, people told me it was for the best. But here I am, fifty years old with an eight year old and loving it.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Yes,yes,yes! Trust Yes! Keep going! You are at wonderful place. God is using the two of you to clear a path (slowly hacking, beating, sweating through the thick jungle) that others will be able to casually walk on. You are making a way for your children (and others) to run on. What has taken you a long time to make your way through they will get through in a intsant.
Lead on forerunners. Lead on.
When you need another mini retreat you are again welcome to spend a couple of days at our place here in PA.
We are also expecting in July…our 10th
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I’ve been wanting to read this blog for a long while and as we now (finally) have internet at home, I felt I had enough leisure time to do so.
When you first told me you were expecting, I was shocked (like when you told me you were having twins and I said “Are you going out of your mind?!”– but not in the way it sounded, more in a way of “Are you as surprised as I am?”;-)-). I thought that of course it had to be an “oops”. But it really is lovely to discover your heart in it all and I know that God will continue to lead you in His paths. I love you guys and am looking forward for this wee babe to be welcomed into the world and into his/her beautiful family.
June 4th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
What a joy to read your journey and exhortation to TRUST HIM!! Thank you for writing and sharing what God has put in your heart! I just returned from a coffee shop with my 2-year-old nephew and my mom. There was a man who walked by us and said (thinking my nephew was mine)–”You are a rich woman.” He said, “children are a heritage from the Lord, blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” He said, “and that means a lot!” As we were walking by the fountain outside the coffee shop, we stopped to throw pennies into the water, listen to the birds, and admire the muddy puddles along the way. All that was running through my mind, is the nobility of motherhood–& you company of women who daily lay your lives down for the sake of your precious little ones. I rejoice with you in your riches!