The Hills Roll On

4 under 3.  Four, count em, FOUR children under 3.  T-minus 10 weeks and we will be parents of 4 children under 3.  How do you manage that you many wonder?  Eden, our eldest is 3, her twin brothers (Jethro and Judah) just turned 1, and baby #4 is coming along mid-July.  No one has intuited another boy, it’s been 100% guesses for a girl…Eden is positive and Gavin honestly told me that I am remarkably as cranky this pregnancy as I was with Eden.  Oddly, with twin boys I was mellllow.

The reactions have been classic; so few people really have good poker faces, tact, a lack of presumption.  Funny how often people place their experiences  or assumptions on your experience…and proceed to matter-of-factly  tell you all about it.  Sometimes it’s just blatant uncensored honestly, verbal dribbling, or (my favorite) ‘help’.  I know, my sarcasm isn’t veiled….it’s just been such a REVEALING experience sharing our 4th pregnancy with folks near and far.  Some applaud and cheer for joy, but most have conveyed a sense of alarm (complete with shudder and relief that it’s not them.)

I have to laugh at it all, because really, who cares?  Who cares what any person thinks; between my God, husband and me, that’s about the only opinions I’m really giving weight to at this point.  Size of family is an deeply personal choice, fraught with controversy, emotion, and plenty of spiritual intensity.  I can’t tell you what’s right; but I can tell you what’s led us to this point….and you might not like it.  You might think I’m judging you (or others).  You might love it.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is at the end of the day, at the end of your life, did you TRUST God…and I mean TRRRUUUUSSSTTT.  Not at an arms length, not as a intellectual conception of your own or anothers design, not as afterdeath-insurance or Santa Claus in the Sky…but as a “all I have is You”.  Nothing I did, said, thought, gave made me worthy of even looking You in the face…let alone being adopted as your own kid…it was what YOU did.  Jesus, the Instigator, the Pursuer, the Lover of my soul, the Keeper of my All.  I trust you…so much so that I, in full agreement with my husband, chose to let you be the Designer of this family.

Meaning — we gave Him the wheel.  Reproductive Final Decisions.  We won’t stand in the way.  What does it mean for us?  Well, I, as fertile woman could be bearing children successively well into my fourties.  Yeah.  I know.  Intense eh?  Not the life most people dream up for themselves.  Believe me, we’ve heard a fair share of the varied points why NOT to do this…and I’ve had to painfully forgive some folks for the barbed statements that have dropped out of their mouths.  Good intentions or not…please people THINK FIRST, TALK NEXT.  Good advice for me too:)

It means trust, surrender, humility, grace….a life not my own.  Giving up my ‘rights’ to body, time, uninterrupted sleep, traditional double income, quiet, space.  But what many of you don’t know, refuse to allow yourselves to know, is the joy, the deep DEEP satisfaction that comes with TRUST.  The shivering intimacy of God’s Presence as we go places others don’t always willingly go.  When you CHOOSE to go this road, there is a grace for it that cannot be explained.

It’s messy, unglamorous, and yes, sometimes I cry.  But not out of pity.  So please, keep your pity, I have no need of it.  Jesus didn’t need Peters’, I don’t need yours.  The Cross made no sense at the time…it’s only looking back we can begin to fathom the mystery of the Incarnation, the life WILLINGLY GIVEN, and the Resurrection.  Scorn if you will, but I have laid my life on the historical reality of it all.  Dismiss if you like, all I know is I am a changed woman, and growing in a grace that can’t be manufactured.  How else could I choose this road?  How else could I willingly choose to put all the inherent talent, skills, abilities into CHILDREARING, cooking, and managing a household.  I could be in management anywhere, doing big important things getting an income and stuff like that.  There’s no corporate ladder for me to climb here!  I don’t get overtime, Christmas bonuses or paid vacation.

One thing I do know, is that if I can be trusted with this….then later (perhaps much later, meaning on the other side of eternity!) I may be trustworthy with ‘more’.  Rocks peoples boats choosing to place such high value on PEOPLE..especially little ones who seem to just take.  Thank you God for daily giving me eyes to see and ears to hear so I can walk this road with my head held high knowing I LACK NOTHING.

Time will tell friends.  Do you trust Him…REALLY trust Him?  I pray you do…whatever that looks like for you…I pray you do.

Friends, family, dear readers who have stuck with us this far…

Should I apologize or just smile and assume you understand?  It’s not that I couldn’t write these past few months (ummm, more like 8 months if I count it), it’s that I didn’t.

Sigh…the sad truth is that I was nursing my grief.  Avoiding so many letters, calls and emails..yes, even Facebook.  It still tears me up to not be where I’d like to be; for it to be so hard to stay, so hard to go, and not to know ‘for sure’ which one to pursue.  Some days I feel like I know that I know “this” (Ottawa and all that it entails) is exactly right where we should be…other days I grit my teeth and note to myself that I could be doing “this” anywhere in the world and I’d rather be back in Minneapolis (and all that that entails).

I am comforted by something Madeleine L’Engle said once about doubt; that our faith isn’t faith unless there is a measure of doubt that comes to shake it to the core; to test it’s foundation to see if it was built on shifting sand or set deep in the bedrock.  So doubt isn’t my enemy after all…just a friendly test to keep me real.

Everyone wants to know: “What’s next?”  I’d like to know too.  Do you?  I mean honestly, do you know “what’s next” in your life?  All you know is today.  Make your plans, sure.  Be responsible and enjoy your loved ones and the luxuries you choose to afford, but know that all you have is today.

So for today, I will busy myself with the humble hidden ministry of caring for my small children, delighting myself in God who loves me just as I am and is pleased with my simple yet profound service unto Him and this dear family He’s entrusted me with.  I hold the desires of my heart close to His and once again choose to trust His timing and His Love.

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.