The Hills Roll On

I’ll tell you if you want.  Do you really want to know? Allright.

Where to begin….well, at the start seems a good place. No..I like context.  I’ll paint the whole picture: it’ll make for a most interesting and relevant point when I finally get to it:)  Ok, before we left for internship we were required by BCOM (Bethany College of Missions) to write up a 3-4 page "Expectations" essay; which is a really good thing to do before internship as most culture shock and friction is due to unfulfilled expectations (for example some intern might have great expectations of leading their whole neighborhood to Christ, and end up doing most of thier internship in a office, feel really stifled, let down, and like a failure…recipe for all kinds of nasty stuff). So, atleast being aware of your expectations can help you deal with culture stress as the expectations do or don’t get met.

What kind of expectations did I have?  That it wouldn’t be easy, that I’d cry atleast a couple times, that I’d be overwhelmed, that I’d make new friends, that I’d learn a new language well enough to communicate intelligbly, that I’d prolly puke once (to break my 16 year no-puke-record)…now that I think of it, not too positive an outlook!  I had just come from India where I was shocked on every level and sick the whole time.  When we returned from India I told Gavin flat out, "If internship is like that for 9 whole months, I don’t think I want to go."  Part of the reason we took the year off was because everything had been moving at such a crazy pace since we had married (11 weeks before we started school).  I was burning out and needed respite in order to move forward.  Our year in Ottawa was good, but had it’s  stressors as well.  Then the summer at BCOM with Eden…it was only by the grace of God that I kept my head on straight and completed all my classes AND PT without any damage to me, Eden or Gavin.  Then in the blink of an eye we’re in Spain.  We we’re looking forward to being somewhere for longer than a couple weeks or months so we could get our bearings and sort out Eden’s schedule.  The first 2 months I found myself just going with the flow, accepting almost every invitation to do things, get together with people, etc. After 2 months of being in another culture/language, being so far from family and friends, realizing Eden was NOT getting enough sleep and was entirely dependent on nursing to sleep…it all kinda came together just as the Towners we’re leaving for the states.  So they leave and we’re like, "Great! Now we can step back and focus!"  First on Eden…poor kid with her little red rimmed racoon eyes…she needed far sleep.  She needed a SCHEDULE.  A predictable, reliable, routine that would help set her little biological clock and cue her when it was time to eat, sleep, bathe, etc).  So we kinda hibernated this first week of November.  Then we all got colds the second week.  Third week (this past week) is when alot of things came together. 

1 - Eden has responded SO WELL to the rhythm of our days!  She’s getting all the sleep she needs and we now know how to help her get it.  This really helps us set healthy boundaries with every invitation we receive.

2 - I have come to see just how Western my values are.  God had to take me OUT of my familiar culture to show me how much of Western values I have confused with God’s values.  Let me explain..

My whole life..especially these past 3 years, have been "busy".  Busier than I’d prefer…but I tend to endure.  I had privately expected that on internship (which is supposed to the the year we apply the first 2 years of training..the year we get to "minister" rather than be minstered to!) we’d be busy-ish.  Hopefully not as busy as things have been the last 3 years…but busy enough.  I mean heck, we’re HERE, people gave lots of good money for us to come, so we’d better DO something!

But I can’t "do" all the things I wanted to do…I may have all kinds of desire, talent and willingness…but I can’t.  For 2 reasons.  Firstly, because this season of my life I have been called primarily to 2 relationships (other than to God which is the core from which every other relationship must flow).  Last October in Ottawa, when I was 7 months pregnant,  I was (yet again) asking God the burning question that’s tormented me for years: What  am I doing?  Why am I doing it?  What are we going to do after we graduate!!?? (Ok, that’s 3 questions, but they boil down to one don’t they..I can’t put it into words..but it’s one question that only God can answer.)  And to my surprise, I received an answer…clear, quiet, simple, profound.  In the quiet of that moment I heard within me, that still small voice say very lovingly, very calmly, "Tara, all I’ve asked you to do right now is be wife and mother."  Pause. "Yes..I know." I said.  Then came the clincher.  God said, "And that is enough."  My cool exterior melted in the heat of that acceptance…of that freedom…I broke down sobbing.  That was such a significant landmark in my walk with God…I can hardly explain.  I come back to it again and again.  And I’ve come back to it here, a year later, in Spain.  At the time when I want to do so much (for the Kingdom!), I  ‘ve got 2 years of incredible training behind me, I’ve got dozens of people supporting us in prayer and with (lots!) money …this should be IT!  Springtime should be over and it’s time to see some FRUIT!!  But I can’t do all the things I’d like to do…God knows I’m willing, but God has called me FIRST to be Gavin’s wife, and Eden’s mother.  No one else gets to or can be this to them.  And right now, in this tender first year of Eden’s life, she needs her mommy. (Daddy too, but for the most part, I’m the "prime parent" at this point in her life).  So I can only accept one, maybe 2 obvious "ministries" (namely co-leading Sunday School).  "But God!  That’s only once a week!  Sure there’s prep time, okay 2 days a week!  What about the other 5!!!  I should be doing MORE!!!"  Guilt starts to creep in…I’m not doing enough.  Panic.  I don’t have anything "good" to put in the newsletter!!  How can the college give me credit for internship when most days of the week I’m…I’m…mothering?  Wrestle, wrestle, wrestle with my conflicting thoughts, with my boiling soup of emotions…and this week something finally broke.  (Praise God! Praise God! Praise GOD!!)

Life verse: For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"
       declares the LORD."As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isa.55.8-9)

And it was like everything came to a wonderful halt.  The spinning introspection stopped.  I could hear myself breathe.  It was like God was saying, "stop judging yourself Tara.  You are using the wrong measures."  And I saw that I was…the measures my culture has given me.  I’ve come to equate busyness with godliness..and task-completion with fruit.  Whoa!!! 

All around me autumn is creeping over the land..the leaves have past their brilliant fire stage and now the dead cold brown & grey have set in.  Plumes of white smoke speckle the country side as I look out the back windown.  Gardens are being gutted and cleaned for winter..the season for fruit is over…it’s time to burn the chaff.  The miniature rose bush on our kitchen table is dropping leaves..it senses the season and is giving glory to God by doing what rose bushes do.  It cannot always be in bloom (much as I could like it to).  There is a season for everything under heaven…and this season of my life is more like autumn.  I wanted summer.  I wanted to brag about summer..but God gave me autumn…and I am beginning to thank Him for it.

My constant prayer has always been "God, you know me…you know what lies have twisted their way into me…root them out Lord..do what you have to do…root them out so I can thrive in YOU."  John 15 always comes back to me…The Father is the Good Gardener…He knows when to prune..when to fertilize..when to burn.  Pruning looks so much like death…you cut the branches down almost to the root..it’s quite alarming if you don’t trust the gardener.  I feel pruned right now…no visible indications of "fruit" or even the possibility of "fruit".  But that’s because I’m seeing with the eyes in my head…not of my spirit.  It always ALWAYS comes back to trust.  Madeline L’Engle puts it this way,"Those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.". She also says, "It’s a good thing to have all the props pulled out from under us occasionally. It gives us some sense of what is rock under our feet, and what is sand.".  So this is where I am…letting go of my Western-influenced measuring scales…making room to embrace God’s wholly undeserved acceptance.  He’s doing something in me far beyond what I could ask or imagine..and I don’t care if I can "put it in the newsletter"…this is between me and God.  And at the end of the day, at the end of my life, it will be, and will always have been, just me and God. 

I read this quote yesterday and I love it. "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. ~ Unknown."  I’m laughing at myself now because it all seems so gloriously simple.  Why is it that I always want to complicate things?  Well, I suppose it’s because insecurity breeds the need to prove oneself.  But shall I defy His GRACE?  When you hear, in the depth of your spirit, Him say your name, everything else melts away.

So, before I have things figured out…while I’m still a bungling mess…in the thick of it all..I am His and that is enough. 

His,
Tara

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 26th, 2005 at 7:44 am and is filed under Latest. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.